RHONY: Is the Apple Rotten?

RHONY Premiere Recap

The Real Housewives of New York

Season 15, Episode 1: “Apple of My Lie”

Grade: B

Charli XCX’s viral “Apple” dance has likely taken over your social media feeds this year, even if you haven’t had a BRAT summer of your own. It’s launched the relatively niche pop artist into mainstream popular culture, especially thanks to her tweet that “kamala IS brat” tweet that led to VP Kamala Harris embracing Charli’s music for her campaign. A viral pop culture moment is a godsend in 2024. Bravo literally kicked the year off by permeating pop culture with “RECEIPTS! PROOF! TIMELINE! SCREENSHOTS!” on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City on January 2 (another meme embraced by the terminally online White House).

This is all to say, the reboot of Real Housewives of New York has had no such moments. And it’s not for lack of trying…

We kick off the premiere of the reboot’s second season (the overall series’ fifteenth) with a flash forward to shooting the series’ opening credits. The girls are fighting. The fourth wall has broken. I’m a fan of the fourth wall breaking in Bravo shows, for sure, but I’m not sure if RHONY has earned it. It’s all fourth wall breaking and not any actual honest moments. Take for instance Brynn’s new tagline. “Why date their dad, when you can just be mother?” This embrace of gay slang feels extra tired months after SNL did a whole song and dance about the term “mother” and referencing your previous tagline that wasn’t even that iconic… what are we doing here? Everything about Brynn this season seems to be done with a wink and a nod. The only thing I truly believe about her is her relationship with her brother, who she wants to move back to New York. More of that. Anyway, Brynn wants to throw a party!

The First Lady of RHONY, Jessel, gives us a funny “bit” and takes the subway with her banker-turned-food-influencer husband Pavit. They’re en route to Carol’s Bun, a cheap food spot in Chinatown. Today, he dropped a list of several other Chinatown spots with great food under $10, showing that he’s maybe the only one who’s utilizing RHONY spotlight to its full potential. He also makes two Beyoncé jokes in the post to make up for the fact that he says he’d rather have a kid that turns out like Elon Musk instead of Beyoncé in this  episode. You’re forgiven, Pavit!

Ubah and Erin seem to be besties this season post Stolen Phone Gate from last year. They pop into Lulla in Chelsea for a lunch meet-up with new friend-of Rebecca Minkhoff. Unlike when the best Housewives franchises meet up and we get jokes and shade flying, this is a pure plot hang: Ubah wants to have kids with her boyfriend who has never been on screen. She’s also going to be LATE (not show up for any of the drama, so what’s the point) to Brynn’s party. Erin does the requisite “do you know Jenna? Sai?” etc. question to Rebecca. I’m SURE Rebecca Minkhoff knows who the fuck Jenna Lyons is. If we’re gonna break the fourth wall in the opening of the episode, why are we playing games here?

Brynn meets up with Jenna and Jessel at Blu Dot to furniture shop. Brynn is pressed about the fact that Erin and Jeff Lewis joked about Brynn being a call girl on his podcast. So she told Jenna that Erin called her poor. All because Erin called them an Uber from the Hamptons and Jenna never paid her back. Obviously, Erin was joking. They are two very RICH women leaving their homes in the HAMPTONS going back to their homes in MANHATTAN. But Brynn wants to get back at Erin, so she’s trumping up charges. The motivation is reasonable, but the story isnt believable at all. 

Sai, perfectly aware of how much everyone hated her last year and how much everyone loves Jessel, invites Jessel to do an ice bath. Suddenly, they’re besties! This feels fake as hell. They did not like each other last season. If you were beefing with someone last year, you open the season with a sit-down. You hash it out. You work to being friends. But jumping straight to an ice bath and sauna girlfriends date together doesn’t feel real at all. It’s not only self-producing, but it’s also not interesting and it’s lacking in conflict, which is what every scene in a television show needs. Meanwhile, Sai is still on the outs with Brynn! I’m willing to bet if Brynn were the fan fave, it would be her in the ice bath.

Jenna’s girlfriend Cass doesn’t want to be on camera, but Cass’ mom Nancy ain’t gonna pass up her chance to be on camera! This is really weird, but it’s also kind of hilarious, so I’ll allow it. She pops to watch Jenna purge her closet. Also visiting is Racquel Chevremont, new Housewife, a curator and advisor in the art world. She seems dope from first meeting, she’s from the Bronx, and she’s queer. Jenna coming back for another season and helping introduce another lesbian housewife is kinda awesome. Racquel and Jenna both came out around the same time and Racquel credits Jenna’s journey as helping her come out. Racquel’s fiancée Mel was also previously married to another woman (and Racquel was previously engaged), so it was a bit messy when they got together after their divorces. This introduction is a million times better than Rebecca’s, I think I’m gonna like Racquel.

Erin and her husband Abe take their kids out for ice cream. She discusses the fact that her mom has breast cancer, which fucking sucks. My grandmother went through the same thing a few years ago and I know how devastating it can be. Erin and Abe have also moved uptown, but now she’s looking at a new townhouse that would need to be renovated. Their energy seems… off. He makes a joke about doing mushrooms and she snaps at him about it, saying it’s not funny. In a confessional, she’s annoyed that he brought up using drugs on camera. Never mind that she made a joke about “tripping” on camera with Jenna last season. Abe says in a confessional that Erin is mad about “underlying stuff.” Erin says she’s “not going there.” Baby, you’re on a reality show. I’m gonna need you to GO THERE. But I will say, aside from Jessel, Erin is the other woman who feels like an authentic housewife. She has marriage problems she wants to keep secret and she’s very uptight about maintaining her perfect life. The minute anyone she’s feuding with (like Brynn?) discovers her marriage problems… we might finally be in for a good season.

Brynn and her brother arrive at Rooftop Lounge at the Dream Hotel and await the other ladies (minus Ubah) and Pavit and Abe. Jessel brings up to Brynn that Erin sent her an “I’m so disappointed” text at 10pm because she told Jenna about the Uber drama. Sai asks Jenna who told her that she hates her (more rumors going around!). She thinks it was Brynn. All roads lead back to Brynn this episode, but she sure didn’t get the center apple in the opening credits! Sai did, which intrigues me:

Jenna tells Sai that “a lot” of people have actually told her Sai talks shit about her. Oops. Sai claims that she did it before she got to know her and she thinks she’s cool now. “That’s a cute cover,” Jenna says. Ohhh, I’m glad this bitch came back. They kiss and make up.

Jessel asks to try Erin’s mezcal espresso martini, to which Erin responds, “I have no problem letting you try it if you’re a little bit nicer to me.” Erin is so tightly wound, I absolutely love her as a nemesis for Jessel. Erin is an actual match for Jessel. Jessel clears the air and says that she only recounted the Uber story by saying felt Erin was being funny about it. Jenna doesn’t think it was brought up as a joke. Brynn definitely didn’t bring it up as a joke, but I can’t really recall if Jessel did and I don’t feel like rewinding. Turns out, Jenna called Erin immediately after that convo and gave her a heads up. Jessel says she doesn’t remember and uses “new mom brain” as an excuse. I love her. 

Erin calls out Brynn for not having integrity and telling the truth. Brynn is mad again about the call girl situation, but clips from the podcast reveal that Erin never made a rude comment about Brynn in the first place. It was all Jeff fishing. Sai jumps on the attack, saying the last time they all hung out was weird because of the tension between Brynn and everyone else. Brynn says, “The night was weird because you called her husband a name!” 

Then we cut to the best moment of the episode, Brynn reading Sai’s text, “Fuck you jessell [sic] and your Dory from finding nemo [sic] look a like husband too.” I screamed at thaaaaat. And also, I thought they were girlfriends nows, but if you’re dragging my husband in the group text, then it seems like you’re only trying to fake it for cameras. I wish Sai would just be a hater and a villain! She’d be a lot more likable! This is Bravo!

Sai calls Brynn a “gaslighting, narcissistic asshole” for deflecting. Then she snaps “not today, Satan” three times and leaves the table. Brynn, angry, grabs her brother and leaves the bar. In her confessional, she says, “I’m not Satan, I’m Satan’s fourth wife.” I don’t know what that means, but she reposted it on her IG stories so she must be trying to make it a meme.

And then, of course… Ubah walks in, having missed everything. LOL.

Episode Grade: B