I Don't Consider Myself a Particularly Italian Person...
On House of Gucci, Ridley Scott, pizza rolls, and more
Lady Gaga in a press tour will always have a chokehold on me. A Star is Born gave us a ton of iconic red carpet drama and fabulous looks, but House of Gucci is serving like none other. Not only is she repeatedly hitting it with the Gucci, but she’s also doling out tidbits like the fact that she and Adam Driver only spoke in their “Italian” “accents” while filming the movie, even when the cameras weren’t rolling. Some would call that method acting, but I would say that it’s a way of life. I’ve found myself ordering at restaurants in accents now and at this point, my friends have disassociated. (Famously I am bad at accents, so who knows what the waiter thinks I even sound like).
I am going to go on record and say that Gaga will get a nomination for this film. She is fully committed and quite good in this film that is quite fun, but also a goddamn mess. I don’t even know what the fuck Jared Leto is attempting in this film and every Salma Hayek scene is in a completely different film, but let me tell you all three hours were RIVETING. Gaga was serving Chef Boyardee Dinosaurs on cocaine and we have no choice but to stan, etc. I will say that Ridley Scott is probably the worst director to have shot this film? The color scheme is giving All the Money in the World, which I loved, but you’d think a film about the GUCCIS would be brighter, more colorful, more Almodóvarian (more on Parallel Mothers, which I saw this weekend at AFI, but it is excellent and emotionally wrecked me). Ridley makes too many damn movies for there to be any auteur-ish attention to detail that you crave in the cinema. At this point, he’s churning flicks out like he’s making Grey’s Anatomy episodes. What’s the last Ridley Scott movie that was honestly, truly a cinematic moment? Some will say The Martian but I didn’t see that damn movie. (It’s not even about aliens… I felt lied to. And I do not support the Jessica Chastain Industrial Complex, sorry!). The Counselor was a mess but at least Cameron Diaz pops her pussy on a car windshield. I have not seen Prometheus because I don’t particularly care about the Alien franchise as much as other people do. I also haven’t seen Body of Lies which I always confuse with another film I haven’t seen, Bridge of Spies (which I hear is actually good), and I confuse both often with Spy Game which is a FANTASTIC film. Directed by Ridley’s brother, Tony Scott (RIP king), who was unfortunately the director whose sensibilities I relate to more. True Romance. Deja Vu. Enemy of the State. C’mon. It’s giving HOLLYWOOD. I’d have loved to see Tony’s House of Gucci. It would still star Gaga, but Adam Driver would’ve been played by like, Henry Cavill.
Maybe the last Ridley film I truly stanned was American Gangster. And even that film is… fine.
Let me be Frank about…
Snow Days.
I tried those Scarlett Johansson-hawked pizza rolls that keep popping up in my Instagram feed, Snow Days, and you know what? They’re really fucking good. I love pizza rolls in general and they’re probably like, second on my guilty pleasure list beneath gummi bears, but also I should not be eating them constantly. These on the other hand are grain free and healthy, which mostly because that two bags are $30+ each. So, as good as they are, I will never be having these again. You won, Totino's!
Wendy Osefo’s Candles.
Zen Wen from The Real Housewives of Potomac may be my least favorite housewife on the cast due to her sour attitude during the reunion and refusal to admit that she did change personalities between seasons in order to be as popular as Karen Huger is, but her line of candles are quite good. I got my hands on her Onyi Luxury candle, which is the perfect scent to meditate to (shout out to Tamara Levitt on the Calm app) and write like I’m Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give (which I just watched for the first time on a plane and it is now my new aesthetic). However, the description for her latest candle is Team Too Much and entirely why I find her exhausting on the show:
“This LIMITED EDITION 4 wick candle personifies the essence of “Zen-Wen”. You will be overcome with a euphoric sense of “Happy” and “Ness” while experiencing the calming “Substance” of this fragrant candle. When Zen-Wen enters the room, there is no denying her presence. This fragrance is a delicate and sophisticated blend reminiscent of an amber floral and woody breeze. Top notes of bergamot and crisp, sweet berry are complimented by a hint of jasmine and radiant saffron. Mineral facets of ambergris and woody tones of a freshly cut oakmoss make this a scent fit for royalty.”
Ma’am, what? This is embarrassing.
Written on the Wind coming to Criterion.
Douglas Sirk’s most iconic film is coming to the Criterion Collection in February. I recently bought the Belgian print of the film’s poster for my new apartment and it is one of the most gorgeous things I’ve ever owned. It’s currently being restored and framed, but here’s what it looks like:
LaureEn Bacall!
Not enough people talk about Spy Game! Great movie!