Parvati Shallow on *Australian: Survivor versus the World*

Never has the state of reality television in America been made more apparent than this week. Three of the old guard — Big Brother, The Bachelorette, and Survivor — lit up my group chats this week. In an act of political violence, Big Brother decided to abandon its entire narrative this season, introducing a twist that saw fan favorite Rachel Reilly unceremoniously ousted from the game. The Bachelorette abandoned its entire premise in favor of a cheap ratings grab when it cast Taylor Frankie Paul in its new season. And Parvati Shallow won Survivor: Australia versus the World, a perfect end to a near-flawless season of Survivor. The problem with this? It was a better season than anything we’ve seen on U.S. Survivor in years.

First, let’s talk about the ultimate betrayal. On CBS’ Big Brother, a show which was once one of my favorite competition shows and is now a chore to watch (the live feeds are still great, but only when CBS doesn’t bother to turn them off), came up with a dumbass twist last week that sent season 13 winner Reilly out the door. In a twist called The White Locust, the entire house had to compete in a challenge that left the loser eliminated. Meaning they weren’t nominated for eviction. They weren’t allowed to campaign to stay. They didn’t get to compete for veto. They didn’t get eliminated during a live show. No exit interview with Julie Chen. Sorry, Julie Chen MOONVES!!!!!! Frankly, treating a show legend like that is bullshit. And the ratings reflected it, because people have stopped watching.

Not that the show has ever seemed to care about what its viewers want in recent years. It spends most of its time ignoring actual drama that happens via the show’s live feeds (available on Paramount+) and crafting its own boring narrative for the show that airs on CBS. I’m not even particularly mad that Reilly is gone — the players this season largely suck compared to recent years, and it was embarrassing to watch her playing with these people. It was giving Boston Rob in Survivor’s most hated season, Redemption Island. But changing the rules of a game midway through the season not only makes no sense, it feels like cheating. Imagine whoever lost a challenge on The Traitors going home immediately before a roundtable. You’d be pissed. But The Traitors would never do that, because it’s an Emmy-winning competition show.

I’ve loved Big Brother for a long time, but the show is in dire need of a refresh. The show has slowly morphed into The Challenge, which relies less on social strategy and more on winning competitions. What’s the point in calling this show a “social experiment” when the social aspect of the game doesn’t even come into play? Unsurprisingly, the best seasons of Big Brother in recent years have come from Canada, where they hire people who favor gameplay over lying around the house all summer like it’s a vacation. It’s very easy to get to the end of Big Brother by doing absolutely nothing. That’s not fun for viewers, and it’s not how a game should work.

We need a shorter, more intense version of Big Brother. We need less lag time between competitions so people aren’t just sitting around the house doing nothing. It seems like some of these people really just sign up so they can sublet their apartments for the summer and make some cash. Maybe evictions should be twice a week!

Rachel’s return to television felt magical. I had longtime Big Brother fans returning to the show to watch her play. I had multiple group texts with people discussing the game each week. And now… who gives a fuck? Reilly’s return felt even more fun because it was happening simultaneously with Survivor Australia versus The World, where Survivor legends Parvati Shallow and Cirie Fields reunited to play the game together again, fifteen years later. If you don’t want Survivor Australia, you should know that the challenges are tough, the players are fierce, and you don’t have to play Jigsaw games that cost you your vote. Unlike the U.S. version!

Fans of Survivor have long been annoyed by the new era of the show, which favors superfans playing the game, as hosted by Jeff Probst, who then implores them to talk about how much the game means to them through heartfelt moments at tribal council. Girl, we came to watch blindsides and strategy, not therapy sessions. You are not Dr. Orna Guralnik! Obviously, I still watch and enjoy Survivor, but I want it to be better. One thing that would help is if Probst would stop being a stubborn Scorpio and bother to acknowledge the international versions of Survivor. It’s wild that Survivor Australia has hosted several iconic U.S. players, and Probst won’t even utter the show’s name. Maybe now that Shallow has been crowned as the winner and she’s on her victory lap1, he’ll be forced to? Maybe he’ll acknowledge the fact that Fields played in Versus the World when she appears on Survivor 50? His American isolationism isn’t doing the game any favors.

And as for The Bachelorette, I haven’t watched that show since Rachel Lindsay was on it, but isn’t the idea of this show supposed to be people finding love? LOL I’m kidding. But seriously, shouldn’t the show at least be populated with eligible bachelorettes and bachelors? Paul, star of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, debuted on television, getting arrested for beating up her baby daddy. And she still has ongoing drama with him. This feels like a desperate ratings grab. Like Disney hitching its long-in-the-tooth series to a runaway hit. Because you can’t tell me anyone is watching Paul on Mormon Wives and going, hell yeah, that’s who I wanna marry. More like, hell yeah, I wanna be MomTok famous too, or at least snatch a guest appearance on The Viall Files.

One thing I love about Mormon Wives is how it’s literally just about how these women work to be famous. There’s no pretext to their thirst for fame. Maybe The Bachelorette universe should stop the pretext, too. Why bother ending the season with a proposal anymore? The prize should be brand deals.

Semi-related: Parvati’s stories on Instagram this week were how I discovered that the Drop Your Buffs’ account on Instagram hides its stories from me 😭😭 chile anyway

Frank

American reality television is flailing